Me and Anorexia

I don't exactly know how it started. But when I was around 14 years old, I thought I needed to lose weight (I had a perfectly healthy weight and was by not even slightly overweight).
I don't know why I thought so. Some say amalgam can cause anorexia, but what is the mechanism? Loss of appetite, disordered self-image, bloated belly because of increased candida?
Maybe it was a reaction to stress (due to health issues, school problems, family issues).
Whatever it was, it changed my life for the worse.

I started eating differently than my family. I remember eating rusk on another table while my family was eating chicken and fries. I remember losing a lot of weight before going on a school trip in Italy, where my friends at the beach mentioned that you could see my ribs. On the same trip I binged out on cakes and chocolate that my friends had brought with them.
My relationship with food continued to stay bad. I starved myself in school, because I felt awkward eating in front of others. Maybe it is related to my Asperger at the same time. I thought everybody would watch me if I would eat a bread or something else than an apple in school breaks. I was so hungry and couldn't focus in class. Another day I drank 1 litre of cola and was shaky.
When I came home I was starving, so I ate what my mother had prepared and afterwards I ate tons of sweets like chocolate and anything else that was available (my mother, a sweets junkie, always had lots in storage). I became addicted to sugar.
Later I would start my day with sugary cereals, and more cereals and a chocolate bar. Which soon became a whole box of chocolate bars. I wasn't hungry anmore at school but had eaten already so much sugar for breakfast.

I became vegetarian when I was 16 (ethical reasons).

On another school trip when I was 18 I again ate very very litte. Because I felt ashamed of eating in front of others. I thought I would look greedy and that others might think "see, that's the reason she is fat!". Yes, I thought I was fat, although I was clearly not. The "problem" is that my hip bones and my chest bones are pretty broad (curvy or very female you could call it positively) so I never appeared extremely thin, but my arms and legs were VERY thin. So I starved myself through the trip, and when I got home (heart-broken because of an unhappy love story) I binged out on sweets and all sort of stuff. And this time I gained, around 10 kg probably.

Years of starving and binging began. During university time I had phases where I would eat very little (and very unhealthy) and then again binge heavily. I had days when I ate milk rice for breakfast, chocolate for lunch and nothing for dinner. Or I had phases when I just ate some self-made spelt crackers (no salt, no fat, just flour and water). I lost weight, I gained weight.

I really "enjoyed" the phases when I ate so restricted. Your body produces endorphines and you run on adrenaline so you feel really high despite not eating the whole day. I drank lots of coffe and got even more pushed.
When I did a 2 month internship in Italy I thought again I was too fat (I was NOT) and started a low carb diet which consisted of mostly no-fat joghurt. Half an apple and a kiwi with joghurt for breakfast, a small salad with joghurt for lunch and sometimes some steamed veggies and - you guessed it, joghurt - for dinner. I was active the whole day, walking or biking to work (4 km one way), in the afternoon swimming or hiking tours. The internship was in a kindergarden where I could hardly function. I still feel incredibly sorry for this a) missed opportunity and b) the lack of good work I offered. I was responsable to take care of small children, but I almost fell asleep during work or could not focus at all. I was insomniac all the time because I was running so much on adrenalin (did I mention the 4 cups of strong italian coffee per day?).
I must say, I looked pretty good, very slim and good skin, but my health was a disaster.

In my mid-twenties I "discovered" that being a vegetarian is not enough to help the animals so I went vegan. I tried to eat "healthier" and more vegetables and tofu. Later I discovered raw foods and was entusiastic! You could everything you want as long as it is raw and still lose weight? Great, I was in.
Well, I ate a lot of nuts and seeds (because, hey, they are raw!) - and I gained weight.
Then I learned that the fat is the bad thing, and Doug Graham and 30 Bananas a Day came into my spotlight.
2009 I went 100 % raw, low fat with high fruit. I didn't experience weight loss nor improvements of health, but still I stuck with it. I was undereating just a little at that time, not consciously, just because it is hard to eat enough calories on fruit and vegetables when you are new to it.
In 2010 I moved to Spain and fell back into my restrictive eating. I stayed raw, but I was now eating only 8 apples and two salads (all low fat) per day. Which is probably less calories than an ethiopian farmer eats. And I was active all day, running around, stressfull job etc. Again, I had lots of energy from the adrenaline, and I lost weight.
But no matter how little I ate, I still had some belly fat (my bodys desperate trial to save my precious organs). I ate this little for almost a year and then added a 5 day water fast.

After that fast I wanted to give 30 bananas a day another try, a real try, because I was aware that I was not eating enough calories. So I stuffed myself with bananas and dates. And got lots of health issues. Refeeding should be done slowly, but I went from barely 1000 calories to 3000+ calories over night. I gained weight. A lot. I was the fattest I had ever been and looked extremely puffy (edemas galore). I had extreme mood swings, was short of breath and lost all my energy.
In the end, I turned back to cooked food, and eating HUGE amounts of potatoes and other carb sources, now following McDougall which is promoting high carb low fat in the cooked version.
I didn't improve.

Around 9 months ago I read stories in the internet about how veganism ruined their health and especially 30 bananas a day. I got curious and the more I read the more I began to questioning if veganism was the ideal diet. And then I started eating animal products again.
I had been vegetarian for 14 years and vegan for 5 years at that point, but I was in desperate need to heal my body. I had losta huge amount of teeth enamel, I was overweight with no energy, my hair was brittle and thin and so on. I want to make this clear: I don't blame my vegan or vegetarian diet for this, I blame my disordered eating! But by reading and researching more, I also was starting to doubt the vegan ideal in general. I am not sure about this. As much as I wish to return to eating no animal products, I am not sure if it's the ideal diet. There are thriving healthy vegans out there, and there are people losing their health by eating vegan. In nature, humans are omnivores, and even our close relatives, the apes, are eating some animal products from time to time.
I don't know the truth, but I know that eating animal products has helped me very much on my recovery of my eating disorder. It was necessary.

Today I eat a lot of fruit, lots of veggies, fish, eggs, cheese, and sometimes even meat. I eat a lot of fat and more low carb. I lost a good amount of weight and have much more energy now.
I am not totally recovered from all my issues but at least I feel recovered from my eating disorder. I don't have cravings for anything or binge out on things. I eat regularly and don't go hungry. I do my best to eat enough calories every day and I am not afraid of fat anymore. I hope my bones didn't get too much damage from all this horrible eating, and that my teeth might recover.

I have (luckily) never been extremely underweight like many anorexic persons, but I was starving myself for long times nevertheless. So maybe the term anorexia is not fitting quite correctly. But in the end it is all about disordered eating.